It can be unhealthy.
Years ago, when I was writing my second book in the Women Like Us series, I sent out a survey to 100 women. I was curious about what makes them happy and the things in their lives that impair or impede their happiness. The results showed one very striking finding. Approximately 70% of the 100 women who answered my questions told me that their happiness was hard to maintain. They told me that they had so many requests and duties in their lives; career, family, friendships, all things that they wanted to be a part of but made it hard to live their own idea of happiness.
These women were people-pleasers.
Pleasers have a propensity to care about everyone else’s well-being except their own.
They do more and give more than they receive for fear of losing someone’s love or respect. They tend to say yes to everything despite their feelings. And sometimes it’s not healthy if they’re motivated by an underlying need to be liked, loved, needed, included, or accepted.
Do this sound like you? Are you reading this with the recognition that you might be a pleaser, too?
Understand that I’m not saying helping others is unhealthy. Goodness knows I’ve spent years helping women through the Women Like Us Foundation. But if we please because we are feeling unloved, inadequate, have low self-esteem, and use helping others to feel better about ourselves, this is where the unhealthy part can show its ugly head.
I know. I’ve been there. And sometimes, just when I’ve set my own boundaries with myself to stay on the healthy side of pleasing, here it comes at me again.
Here’s a quick example from my own life.
One day, years ago, I was at a friend’s house. I was a people-pleaser then. I thought that if I made this friend happy, I wouldn’t feel the tension that was always brewing in the relationship. I was cooking and cleaning and being the best, unselfish, loving girl, I could be. I was buzzing around offering to make him happy and meeting all of his needs. And out of the blue, he said to me: “Linda, you act like you’re working at the Ayres Tearoom!”
He was right. I was at the Ayres Tearoom and my goal was to make each guest, HIM, comfortable, loved, and cared for. And that would make him love me. My own private tearoom and I oversaw his happiness, all by myself.
It was that exchange that helped me take a turn in my relationships with others.
Some of us subliminally expect something in return when we’re a pleaser. We want gratitude, recognition, maybe payment. It’s an ulterior motive. When that doesn’t happen, they’ll feel resentment. “Why am I going out of my way to help people and they won’t even say thank you?”
Or what about the person who loves to give advice? Is it a desire to control the other person?
Are you a people-pleaser? Do you see some of the above traits as you manage your relationships and go about your day-to-day life?
It can be an unhealthy, slippery slope for your life.
There’s not a thing wrong with seeking to make others happy.
There’s not a thing wrong with being helpful.
There’s goodness in the act of doing good, for others and for yourself.
But if you think you’re sacrificing your own happiness, putting others before yourself as a lifestyle, I suggest you use the questions below to go deep and find clarity; start setting boundaries and care about your own well-being.
1. What are you sacrificing to keep the relationship going?
2. What is it that has you solving other people’s problems instead of your own?
3. What have you taken responsibility for with other people?
4. What stops you from saying no when you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do?
Much love,
Resource: Marion Franklin, MS, MCC